One day I will actually blog

I keep meaning to write on this thing and I know that when she is 13 and terrible, sassy, and down right annoying I will need these memories to stop me from sending her away but her life right now seems to prevent that from happening.

But she seems to be napping better these days. How you ask? Well I re-swaddled her all tight nd burrito style for every darn nap, night sleeping possible. It seems to be working and we all are more rested and happy. That hopefully means more time to blog about her life. Plus I need a New Year's resolution and this may just be the one.

Sypnosis now she is eating solids, grabbing everything especially my face and the hubs chest hair. Knowing how to roll over but wont, sort of sitting up, playing in the exercauser alot, and most importantly getting loads of love from her family.

Milestones

Now at 90 days old Madeline has made such progress and like a true parent I can't help but brag about it. She has met all of the should be able to many of the may be able to's and even a few of the possibly able to's. She loves to stand up (with help) and has amazing head control. As my friend Laura said, " A few more weeks and she'll be a hip kid." She loves to sit and look at you and talks and talk and talks- if only I knew what she was saying. She can push her self onto her arms when you put her on her tummy and looks around although not for very long and she is not a huge tummy time fan. She had found her hands and loves to put them in her mouth. She is starting to grab at stuff although there does not seem to be able to control it much. Smiling she has got DOWN and it is so cute. I could look at her smiles forever and she uses it to get what she wants which is usually attention from anyone and everyone. She is laughing too but rarely and only Uncle Ross has gotten her really going OF COURSE! She is trying to roll over-a skill I have mixed emotions about and I am sure she will be rolling all over the place soon.

We've gone to the Sonoma house multiple times, the northern California beach, San Francisco, Berkeley, Napa, Los Gatos, Oakland, wine tasting (twice) and will be heading to Santa Barbara in less than 2 days. Wow that's alot to do in 3 months. We have also had many visitors which I love especially when the grandparents come to visit. They are most helpful. Mommy and Daddy even went out to a wedding leaving you behind. Grandma says you were great. I wonder but you were asleep when we came home so it couldn't have gone too bad.

Here are a few of my favorite recent pics. She is SO BEYOND CUTE! I can't stand it.

I cannot wait to see what new milestones, adventures, and experiences the next 90 days will bring. With Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in the mix I am sure there will be alot to report and A LOT of cute pics.

Quarter Life

Madeline,

I cannot believe that you are three months old today and pretty much a year since you came into existence. It seems like only yesterday Daddy and I learned that I was pregnant with you. How can the time have gone by so quickly. Already I have forgotten so much of what it was like to have you inside of me and those first weeks of life. Although I cannot remember everything and by the time you ask me about it I will remember even less just know that I LOVED every second of having you around. From that very first moment through today and beyond this has been by far the best experience of my life.I would never trade in a moment of it and my only wish is that every moment could be longer so I could savor the wonderfulness of you my girl. Over these past three months since you have been born you have changed in so may wonderful ways. Ways in which I am sad to see that prior behavior end but so excited for what is around each corner of your development. I know that this feeling of sadness for a time lost and excitement for what the future holds will be a feeling I will get to know quite a lot for the rest of your life. For parenthood has made me understand the feeling of bittersweet. With each new amazing first also comes a last. With each new milestone and development you become more and more independent; something that I love to watch but at the same time am just a little bit saddened by. Don't worry though Madeline I will never try to stop you from spreading your winds and learning how to best navigate your world.

When I was pregnant with you I was shopping in a store and came across a wooden plaque with this saying on it. When I read it I felt it perfectly captured how I felt about becoming a parent and I often re-read it as the words ring truer and truer each time I read.

" You are the poem I dreamed of writing, the masterpiece I longed to paint. You are the shining star I reach for in my ever hopeful quest for a life fullfilled. You are my child. Now with all things I am blessed."

Madeline know that each moment I have with you is a blessing.

I love you higher than the skies and deeper than the seas.
Mommy

The things I miss the most

As Madeline's first quarter of life is almost complete I cannot believe how much she has changed. In the next few posts I will write about how much she has grown, all of her accomplishments, and how much I have fallen in love with her but this post is all about the things I miss the most.

In three months my darling daughter has gone from this sleepy blob to an interactive baby. I love the more interactive version but there are some of her first weeks behaviors that i miss so much and I really wish I could go back and have a few more moments with them, or could have paused them the first time around to take picture, sear them into my memory and relish in their wonderfulness for just a little bit longer.

In no paticular order here they are

1. Non swaddled sleeping: When she was first born you could practically slump her on your chest and she'd go right to sleep, no swaddle no bouncy ball and if she could convince you no shirt. She would sleep right against us for hours all snuggled. Now a days it's a swaddled, exercise ball, patting, white noise experience. Oh how I long for those easy days and the super close feeling of nothing between us and our baby.

2. Newborn cries: newborn cries and very distinctive; they are quiet and squeeky, almost as if their lungs are incapable of making alot of noise. Those cries melt your heart and have you running a mile in 2 seconds flat to stop them. You can't really tell them apart and you haven't figured out meaning between them but all you know is you would sell your should to the devil himself to make them stop.

Now a days she cries like a baby. The cries are varied with a variety of meanings. Some of them still break your heart and have you running while others make you annoyed. The half cry telling you this is NOT what I want is my least favorite. And the whiney cry telling you to keep feeding me I find the cutest. But the cries when she gets hurt- the cry that begins silent and then is shreaky is still the one that gets me every time and just thinking about it makes me want to do anything to stop it.

3. Tiny hands: I miss her tiny hands. They were so little and itty bitty. Her hands are still small, she is just a little baby but i miss the incredible smallness of them when she was born. I am SO SO SO happy we have impressions of her hands and feet done because even now I look at that plaque and thing but they were so small. I believe this feeling will only get stronger and her hands grow further and further from those tiny hands of her first few days.

4. Milk Drunks. Those first few weeks were the best feeding her. Before the spitting up started and the screaming to be fed now and the looking all around during feeding taking my nipple with her (OUCH!!!) was heaven. The best part though was the end of the feeding. You would sit her up to burn her and she would just fall over all eyes half closed with this sleepy almost drunk look on her face as if to say," Definitely the best thing I've ever had." That face makes all the struggles of the first weeks of breast feeding more than worth it

5. Stretch Face. This is the thing I miss the most. The thing I would give anything for to get again and the thing I kick myself the most for not taking any really good pictures of. This si what stretch face is. When she was first born multiple times a day she would put her hands near her face and stretch her face and arms back. Her forehead would be scrunched up and her eyes would get all half closed. She would ball her fists up and it was the CUTEST thing ever. I called it her BIG STRETCHIES (in my best baby voice) and Jordan hated it but I couldn't help it was just the best thing I had ever saw. She still stretches every morning when I unswaddle her but now her arms and legs move better and they stretch all the way out like a kid not a tiny little cherub.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE all the things she does now and relish in them but there are things I miss so much about those first few weeks. Things I would do anything to get another chance to watch and soak up. Everyone told me it would go by too fast but I didn't realize how fast it would go and how much your heart would jump at each new milestone but also break that it meant the ending of other wonderful things. She's only 12 weeks old and already I want so bad to pause things and just relish in this stage for a little longer.

In the end it just makes me want a pause button that much more.

The First Month

I can't believe that Madeline has been here for a month already. It simultaneously feels like I just learned yesterday that I was pregnant with her and that she has been in my life forever. She and I have had many adventures this past month starting with her journey into the world. She has gotten so much bigger and has learned so may things this month. It's amazing that in just 30 days she can do so much, so many things that she could not do even days before.

Here are some of the highlights of the past month

Madeline can now follow something with her eyes and tracks together. No more crossed eyed drunk baby look for this little girl. Her favorite item to track is Jacques the Peacock. A definite must have for babies or those on a good acid trip, the only two cateogries of people that can look black and white geometric shapes for hours and be totally entranced by them.

Madeline is also learning to enjoy tummy time and is starting to strengthen her neck and can raise it up of the carpet a little bit. This allows her to briefly see things other than her hands and the beige carpet. We are hoping that she gets stronger sooner so she can look at more but for the time being she doesn't seem to mind the monotony of color.

What have I learned this month

-showers are highly over rated

-a good day is getting dressed... at all or brushing teeth sometime in the AM

-90% of life's tasks can be completed with one hand

-the human body can make an amazing array of sounds.. especially a tiny human body

-Before you have kids you can totally understand the downsides of parent hood but never really understand why it's all worth it

-My daughter fits perfectly into a part of my heart I didn't even know was empty but can't imagine ever being unfilled again

-

The First 2 Weeks

I cannot believe that Madeline is already 2+ weeks old. How can it be, it feels like just yesterday I learned that I was pregnant with her and she's already growing and changing. These first two weeks have been a big learning curve with it's fair share of sleepness nights but I would not trade it anything in the world. I am on the hunt for that pause button because already it is going to fast.

In 2 weeks Madeline has already learned so much and grown a lot. She has mastered making our hearts melt, being the center of attention, and having us drop everything just to look at her beauty. In addition to these feats she is growing like a weed and gaining weight like a champ. I guess that's not hard when you eat every 2-4 hours. She still spends the majority of her day sleeping which is fine by me. It vies me plenty of time of drink in her wonderfulness while she sleeps on my chest; definitely her favorite place to nap.

She is already 21 and 1/4 inches and now weighs 7.12 lbs.

I cannot believe that she is already so big and is growing so much. I look forward to all the next moments in her life while at the same time trying to memorize all of these first moments.

Elmo goes down!!!

Like all new parents parenthood is a process with some experiences that are more memorable than others. If only this experience had a picture to go with it.

Wednesday July 13th we have to go the pediatrican's office for Madeline to get a weight check. She had a hard time feeding and gaining weight in the hospital and they wanted to make sure she was heading in the right direction. We all get there and the nurse takes us into one of the exam rooms. They tell us to take Madeline's clothes off and then meet them out at the scale. We complied and moments later brought our peaceful sleeping daughter to the scale. The nurse told us to take off her diaper so they could get a true weight, no extras to tip the scales. We comply and just as Jordan goes to take off her diaper Madeline decides that is the time to poop, projectile poop all over the scale, wall which was 2 feet away and covered Elmo. She then decided to pee on the scale and spit up. Jordan and I are just standing there beyond embarrassed that our sweet peaceful daughter just made this HUGE mess covering Elmo and destroying him forever in the process. The nurse assures us it is no big deal and these things happen all the time but the way she says it makes me think not really and we will be labeled as that family.

Just goes to show small children can make huge messes.

early pictures

last pregnancy photo. Really wanting this to be all over

1st moments

i look just like daddy!

1st family photo

Birth Story

So here is the story of how Madeline made her big entrance into the world. As for this part of her life I definitely did NOT want a pause button and was begging for the whole thing to just fast forward and be over. All I wanted was me to be out of pain and her to arrive healthy. I did indeed get this wish but not before 21 hours and 47 minutes of labor. So here is the time line of those 21 plus hours. All time is approximate as when you are in that much pain time is all relative it stretches and contracts at it's own pace.

The first 6-7 hours were pretty okay and time was pretty much in line with reality but after that time is of distortion and question.

July 6th

4:00 am wake up and think to myself this may be labor, can't really tell though and know that even if it is it is rather early in the process and decide to go back to sleep.

6:00 am wake up again with the same mild contaction feeling. Decide I may want to pay attention and start timing. Contractions are roughly 8-10 minutes apart and mild. Wake up Jordan to tell him I may be in labor and to go back to sleep since it will be a while.

7:00 am Water breaks. At first I am not sure so I call Laura, the only other person I know who's water has broken before active labor to compare symptoms. She says yeah it sounds like your water broke better call the Dr.

7:45 am Call the Dr and tell her my water broke. She asks me what color it is and I can't tell if it's clear or light yellow. She tells me to keep and eye on it and call her back in about an hour

8:00 am Jordan and I call our mom's and tell them to get ready to become grandparents. My mom gets into the car and begins the drive up to the hospital. She wants to make sure that she will be there in time (don't worry she got there with LOTS of time to spare)

8:45 am Call Dr. back and tell her I still can't tell color. She tells me to come into the hospital and get checked just to make sure.

9:15 am Jordan and I pack up the car and head to the hospital. We are both so excited that we will be meeting Madeline soon and hopeful it will be all over in a matter of hours.

10:00 am arrive at the hospital, get checked and admitted. Get all settled into our room. Get one of the big inside rooms with a bath tub. Soon learn the bathtub is off limits to me since my water broke but still like the increased space.

11:00 am contractions start to get worse and time now moves at a wierd space. Contractions are mostly in my hips and low back and make my legs hurt very bad. As they get more intense I have to make low noises and have Jordan press on my hips very hard to help get through them. The nurse seems to think that Madeline is posterior, something I realyl don't want to hear since I know a posterior position will cause a much more difficult labor and potential C-Section.

1:30 pm the Dr. arrives and checks me I am 3-4 centimeters and fully effaced. I am happy I am making progress but surprised that I am in this much pain with just the beginning of active labor starting. Getting a bit concerned about the pain level but decide I can keep going all natural for a little while longer. Really want to get to 5 cm before I get an epidural.

2:00-3:00pm Jordan's mom arrives and I am in bad shape. Really painful, throwing up, legs are spasiming and getting very weak. Thinking this is really really hard and how will I have the energy to push.

3:30 pm the pain wins I decide to throw in the towel and ask for the epidural. About this same time my mom comes in and is surprised I think to see me in such pain.

4:00 pm epidural takes effect and I am SO HAPPY!!!! The pain is gone and I return to the land of the living again. I can now actually converse with people and not make everyone silent etc. while I am getting through a contraction. I decide an epidural is the best thing ever and am SO happy that I decided to have one. I believe everyone else is happy too since it is hard to support someone in that much pain.

5:45 pm Dr checks me again and wants to start pitocin since I am now only at 4-5 cm and that is not alot of progress in 4 hours. I agree since I am in no pain and think it will make things go quickly because I am really wanting to meet Madeline and get to hold her. This was a bad, bad, choice. From here on out everything goes downhill fast.

7:30 pm pain starts to get BAD again. They give me more pain meds but it does't seem to help very much. Anesthesiologist believes that the epidural may be misplaced and wants to insert a new one to see if that helps. I agree and have to sit through yet another GIANT!!!! neddle going into my back. It helps for a little while but not nearly long enough and soon we are back to pain town.

9-12:30 am A blur of pain, people checking me, more and more interventions being used to no avail. The Anesthesiologist continue to return to give me more meds which only last for about 45 minutes before I am back in SERIOUS pain. My mom, Jordan and Diane are all having to help me get through this pain. The night on call Dr. CANNOT seem to make a decision and also seems to go back and forth on how dilated I am. I am begging or this to be over, for everything to be taken out, and for pain meds. I am really worried that I will have no energy to push and am getting scared. Also at this time I spike a fever have to get anti-biotics etc. Basically every intervention is being used. Everything is going NOT according to plans and all I want is a healthy baby to be born SOON. I am really wishing that I could fast forward thorough this process because I am hating life right about now and want it all to be done immediately.

July 7th

12:30 Madeline's heartrate spikes and I LOSE it. I am crying and screaming that something is wrong with my baby and that she has to get out of my RIGHT NOW!!!! any way possible. Some nurse, not mine (thank God mine was awful) comes in, assesses the situation, and gets the attending in there IMMEDIATELY. Thank God! That Dr comes in and makes decisions. She realizes that Madeline was indeed posterior, that I was not dilating any more, that the fever was a serious issue and that Madeline needed to come out NOW!!!

1:00 C- Section is decided and I could not be happier. Finally all the pain will be over and I finally get to meet her after all these hours. I do not care that I am getting cut open or will have an incision or that my delivery is not natural. I just want all of this to be over ASAP

1:47 am After almost 22 hours it is all over and Madeline is here. We get a quick glimpse of her as soon as she is out before she is wisked away for a clean up and check out which she passed with flying colors. After that she is swaddled and brought back to us where Jordan gets to hold that precious girl and she is placed on my chest.

After Birth- We both go to recovery where we get to start bonding as a family. We are tired but so happy that she is here and healthy that we can't even think about sleeping.

We cannot wait for the lifelong journey of being her parents to begin and feel up to the task.

It is so true as soon as that baby is placed into your arms all the hours of pain etc. become instantly worth it. The pain does not fade, I still remember how PAINFUL it was but I would do it all a million times over if it meant to have her. It is so beyond worthwhile and I feel so blessed to be given the privileged of being her mommy.

I can't wait for a lifetime of love, laughter, and pausing to take in the moments that can never be duplicated nor forgotten.

The pause button begins

This blog will be the story of Madeline's life and mine as well as we navigate that crazy thing called life together. I will be posting funny stories, awe inspiring moments, and lots of pictures of the amazing milestones in my little girl's life. But before we get into all of that a note about the title.

The pause button- as I sit here in her first week of life I can't help but wish for a pause button. I feel that already it is going by too fast and I cannot drink in her wonderfulness fast enough. I have never before wanted the days to be longer than I have this week. I am sure that as she grows I will be wishing for fast forward buttons, stop buttons, rewind buttons and definitely a do over button but for right now all I want to do is be able to pause life and have more time to absorb all the amazing things about her.

Everyone said savor each moment they will go by too fast, boy were they right.

I am hoping that in writing this blog it will become my pause button a way to savor those moments that pass by all too quickly.

enjoy, come back often and just pause